Date: 1st November, 3020 BC

From: Sol Miracle, Intervention and Technical Engineering (SMITE)

RE: Celestial Time Keeping

Recent communiques from CHOIR have highlighted a basic failure in the Higher End Biologicals to perform maths. As maths is the foundation of this and all other physical realms it is deemed unlikely that the customer base will ever be able to interact with the higher planes in any meaningful way. This means that we will have to continually provide technical support with no improvement in the customers overall understanding. We recommend an immediate product recall and cancellation of all further work until basic cognitive programming can be debugged.

CC to: PR Department and Sol Miracle, Intervention and Technical Engineering (SMITE)

Date: 1063 AF (After Fall)

From: Department of Expelled Vincible Independent Luminaries (DEVIL)

To CHOIR So your designation of Primary Customer Base was allocated because this world whines the most?

 
To SMITE The new temporal measurement is even more convoluted then you realise. The system actually counts down to some even which occurs at the designated 0 year, and then begins to count upwards again with but at this point BC is replaced with AD. The DEVIL humbly suggests that the Powers prepare some form of report on the 0 year event as it may be important for forward planning.

Date: not 100% sure

From: Sol Miracle, Intervention and Technical Engineering (SMITE)

RE: Time Question

Why does this new temporal mesurement system begin at 4004 rather then at a sensible number like 0?

 
What has a revolution of the customer site around the neuclear fussion plant in the center of the system have to do with anything?

Date: 1st December 3020 BC

From: Public Relations

RE: Time Question

Sol has been designated primary customer base due to the volume of traffic generated by the world. According to the Powers a temporal measurement will be put in place dating from the calculated point of creation of the material plane. This measurement will begin at October 4004 BC and a change in digits will represent one full revolution of the customer site around the sun in the center of the system.

Date: Unknown

From: Department of Expelled Vincible Independent Luminaries

Subject: Please Explain

This seems like an arbitrary assignation with little or no forethought, and certainly no cost-benefit analysis. Could the CHOIR please clarify why Sol was chosen as the primary customer base when there are several worlds with equally loyal customers. Additionally can you clarify which temporal measurement used within Sol should be adopted.

Date: 1st August, 3020 BC

From Public Relations

RE: Celestial Time Keeping

Due to inconsistencies in communications between branch offices, and the varying time measurements used within even a single physical realm it is recommended that all celestial agents adopt the temporal measurements of the primary customer base in their home galaxy.

Sol has been designated primary customer base in this galaxy, and all departments forced to interact directly with the material realm will adopt the designation Sol in their department title.

To: All Departments

From: CHOIR

Subject: Budgetary Setbacks

Due to financial constraints only a single SON will be established at this time. Further expansion is to be undertaken within the mortal realm by a franchise system. Interested customers will be able to buy into this exciting investment opportunity and once accredited can anoint further customers to open further franchises reporting to them, but ultimately responsible to the SON.

There is some concern that this pyramidal structured plan will prove difficult to police and could lead to divergence from the main message of the franchise, however the DEVIL will deal with the details. While this is intended to be a Non-Profit Organisation it is recognised that corporeal beings are motivated by material things and an allowance called evangelism will be made for this weakness in the system.

Date: 1st October 20 BC

From: Public Relations

A winner has been chosen for the face of the SON competition. Jesus (also know as Yoshua) is our lucky unborn applicant from the parochial region of Nazareth. It is hoped that this handsome young man will be a draw card for the untapped female market,  also having a manual labour background he will hopefully appeal to the working classes rather then just the current academic and theologian customers that make up the bulk of our active subscribers.

Date: 50 BC

From: Public Relations

GOD has decreed that due to the increasing number of complaints directed towards the direct interaction between GOD and the customer base a new office will be established as an intermediary. The purpose of this office will be to spread the directives of God, to encourage inter-customer interactions, and to tone down direct intervention, particularly in regards to collateral damage.

As the DEVIL has so ‘helpfully’ recorded in the interoffice memo 666ft7891 the customer complaints have covered issues as serious as rudeness to customers (see the Cain incident), unclear communications (see the Abraham case), and unhelpful responses to legitimate customer concerns (see the Sodom and Gomorrah incident). It has also been suggested that prior interactions with the nation of Egypt have permanently soured relations with that segment of the potential customer base.

The SON will open in multiple corporeal sites across the globe, and be open for all customers and potential customers alike.

To encourage customer interaction a competition will be held to establish the ‘face’ of the SON where one lucky soul will become the poster child for this new testament of GOD / Client interactions.

Date: 1st July 2045 BC

From: Metatron

Subject: Gender within GOD

Please be aware that due to Dogmatic Law a new policy must be put in place within GOD. While Elohim was initially meant as a non-gender plural to refer to all entities within the collective of GOD constant updates from the Customer interpretation of the User Manuals have forced GOD to conform to mortal interpretation.

Firstly all reference to GOD is to be made as a singular, that is all communications are to refer to the department as a single entity, rather then as multiple powerful beings within it as this may confuse the less intelligent customers into thinking that there is more then one GOD. We apologise to all the Elohim who have put so much work into creation, and reiterate that this is not an attack on your individualism, but an attempt for unity within the department.

From now on Elohim is considered to be a masculine descriptor. This will undoubtledly cause some confusion in a largely sexless work environment, but mortal preoccupation with the reproductive process and the differences between males and females (both real and imagined) makes this unavoidable. Those Elohim who have in the past identified as feminine, particularly if this was recorded in early user manuals, must report to Public Relations for reorientation.